Posted by ronnehsqueasleh at 9:10 PM CDT

Updated: Monday, 16 June 2003 9:12 PM CDT

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Friday, 13 June 2003

Want to be bit?
Here are some really pathetic quotes. Read on. Just don't be bitten in the process.


1. Love is temporary insanity cured by marriage~Ambrose Bierce

2. Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night~ Charlie Brown

3. USA today has come up with a new suvery; apparently 3/4 people make up 75% of the population.~ David Letterman

4. If it weren't for electricity we would be watching television by candlelight.~ George Gobal

5. I've been accused of vulgarity, I say that's bullshit~ Mel Brooks

6. I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was ridiculus-everyone hasn't met you yet. ~Rodney Dangerfield

7. The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. ~ Marty Fieldman

8. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~ Steven Wright.

9. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.~
Jerry Seinfeld.

10. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.~Mel Brooks.

11. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.~Emo Philips.

12. You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.~Rowan Atkinson

13. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.~Joseph Heller.

14. The biggest way to loose marks in finals is to get the wrong answer~Dr R Taylor

15. You're under arrest for stealing empty cardboard boxes! The company needs those boxes to meet it's recycling goals. ~Catbert

16. I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. ~Unknown

~EVER WONDER...

~Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

~Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

~Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

~Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

~Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

~Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

~Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

~Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

~Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

~Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

~When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

~Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

~Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

~You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

~Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

~Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

~If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

~If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

~STUPID LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON ACTUAL CONSUMER GOODS~

~On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair)

~On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner No purchase necessary.Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

~On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

~On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

~On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." well...duh, a bit late, huh)

~Maruchan Ramen: "America's finest ramen noodle soups" (ummmm.....was this 69 cents?)

~On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

~On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." but wouldn't this save me more time)?

~On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

~On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

~On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

~On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

~On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

~On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

~On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

~On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Ten Things To Consider(Don't read if easily offended)

Here are 10 things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue:

(Clarification on War Declaration by Dennis Miller)

1. Between President Bush and Saddam Hussein... Hussein is the bad guy.

2.If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right thing keep this in mind - they have Libya heading the committee on human rights and Iraq heading the global disarmament committee. Do your own math here!

3.If you use Google search and type in "French Military Victories" your reply will be "Did you mean French Military Defeats?"

4.If your only anti-war slogan is "no war for oil," sue your school district for allowing you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the education you deserve.

5.Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United Nations approval before they try to kill us.

6.Despite common belief, Martin Sheen is not the president. He just plays one on T.V.

7.Even if you are anti-war, you are still an "infidel" and Bin Laden wants you dead, too.

8.If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy" but not in the danger that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with the Dell Computer dude.

9.We are trying to liberate the Iraqi people.

10.Whether you are for military action or against it, our young men and women overseas are fighting for us to defend our right to speak out. We all need to support them without reservation.

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on"
Samuel Goldwyn.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."
Robin Williams.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carey.

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
Alfred Hitchcock.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
Peter O'Toole.

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
Bob Hope.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
Woody Allen.

"Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs."
Alfred Hitchcock.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country."
Clint Eastwood.

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job."
Samuel Goldwyn.

"Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?"
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it."
Rex Reed
.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
Gary Cooper (on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind.").

"Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award."
Billy Wilder.

"How did I get to Hollywood? By train."
John Ford.

"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One."
Yakov Smirnoff.

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."
Bob Hope.

"Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done."
Ernie Kovacs.

"All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."
Charlie Chaplin.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobal.

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Groucho Marx.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning."
Joel Segal.

"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit."
Mel Brooks.

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."
Joan Rivers.

"Julie Andrews has lilacs instead of pubic hairs."
Christopher Plummer.

"We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday."
Dennis Norden.

"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
David Letterman.

"After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions."
Bert Lahr.

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
John Mendosa.

"What's another word for thesaurus?"
Steven Wright.

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
George Burns.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."
Daniel J. Boorstin.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."
G.W. Hegel.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
Enoch Powell.

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
Mark Twain.

"When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read."
Hilliare Belloc.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson.

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
Terry Pratchett.

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
Ivana Trump.

"In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime."
Phyllis McGinley.

"It's not a good idea to put your wife into a novel; not your latest wife anyway."
Norman Mailer.

"I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind."
Patrick Dennis.

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
Garrison Keilor.

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates.

"The most important thing for poets to do is to write as little as possible."
TS Eliot.

"My reputation grows with every failure."
George Bernard Shaw.

"Beware of the man who denounces women writers; his penis in tiny and he cannot spell."
Erica Jong.

"The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense."
Tom Clancy.

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."
Bob Monkhouse.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Mark.

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note."
Gore Vidal.

"What would I do if I had only six months left to live? I'd type faster."
Isaac Assimov.

"The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns."
Herman Wouk.

"I adore adverbs; they are the only qualifications I really much respect."
Henry James.

"Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Vistor Hugo."
Jean Cocteau.

"Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again."
Mark Twain (talking about Henry James).

"What other culture could have produced someone like Hemmingway and not seen the joke?"
Gore Vidal.

"Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts."
Jeffrey Robinson.

"An incinerator is a writer's best friend."
Thornton Wilder.

"Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales"
Stephen Hawking (A Brief History of Time).

"The covers of this book are too far apart."
Ambrose Bierce.

"The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid and stable business."
John Steinbeck.

"I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974."
Jeffrey Bernard.

"Dr Donne's verses are like the peace of God; they pass all understanding."
James I.

"They told me that Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right."
Winston Churchill.

"The Compleat Angler is acknowledged to be one of the world's books. Only the trouble is that the world doesn't read its books, it borrows a detective story instead."
Stephen Leacock.

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
Dorothy Parker.

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."
Robert Benchley.

"An author who speaks about their own books is almost as bad as a mother who speaks about her own children."
Benjamin Disraeli.

"Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal."
TS Eliot.

"If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."
Wilson Mizner.

"I am the kind of writer that people think other people are reading."
VS Naipaul.

"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Groucho Marx.

"A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar."
Arthur Koestler.

"Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction."
Adlai Stevenson.

"All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling."
Oscar Wilde.

"Nothing induces me to read a novel except when I have to make money by writing about it. I detest them."
Virginia Woolf.

"I never read the life of any important person without discovering that he knew more and could do more than I could ever hope to know or do in half a dozen lifetimes."
JB Priestley.

"Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so."
Gore Vidal.

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
Will Rogers.

"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexai Sayle.

"In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
Adlai Stevenson.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
Bob Dole.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers We are the president."
Hillary Clinton.

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
A Congressional Candidate in Texas.

"A fool and his money are soon elected."
Will Rogers.

"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks."
Robin Williams.

"Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in."
Harry S. Truman.

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."
Fred Allen.

"Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"
Tom Lehrer.

"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."
James H. Kabbler III.

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
Dan Quayle.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."
Daniel J. Boorstin.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips.

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
Robert Orben.

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
Adrienne Gusoff.

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label"
Mark Twain.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.

"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth."
Patrick Murray.

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."
George Burns.

"I like children - fried."
W.C. Fields.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."
Daniel J. Boorstin.

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan.

"If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band."
Paddy Crosbie.

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet."
Oliver Herford.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher"
Ambrose Bierce.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone.

"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning."
Joel Segal.

"The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus."
Joseph Thomson.

"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
Ashleigh Brilliant.

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
R.D. Laing.

"I rob banks because that's where the money is."
Willie Sutton.

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you."
B.L. Taylor.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."
G.W. Hegel.

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera."
James Stephens.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."
Enoch Powell.

"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail."
Gore Vidal.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
John Wayne.

"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?"
Steven Wright.

"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp.

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit."
Peter Beckmann.

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."
George Burns.

Posted by ronnehsqueasleh at 9:07 PM CDT

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Don't make me do crazy eyes.
Other than my english teacher, probably the most pathetic thing I have ever seen is this foul "Internet Language." Who want's to listen to a person in an IM who speaks like "dis?" I understand if you're an eleven year old, talking like "dat." But from someone older than...say...13?
The thought of America's literacy rate scares me. Prety high, but there must be alot of people in this god-forsaken country, if that many people are educated. 90% of the "ppl" in chat lines use hideous grammar. People think I speak to well for a young, innocent 15 year old, patetic, nerd. I speak like this because I'm educated. I will bite you. Leave me alone.
The New Guy is the greatest movie on the planet. I watch it every day. It has a point. ven pathetic people can be happy. Dizzy (DJ Qualls) did what he wanted in the movie, and in the beginning he was a pathetic loser. Actually, he was cooler as a "blip." That's what I am. A loser. Pathetic. I like it.
Don't make me bite you, that's my last warning.
0.o o.0 Puppies have it easier than humans, let me tell you. ()..()
..............\__/ <<
Good day. Or night, rather. Comment. Anyone? Are you out there? Don't make me bite you!





P.W.R.O.U.S Puppies Will Rule Over Us Someday

Posted by ronnehsqueasleh at 9:05 PM CDT

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Aren't we all pathetic losers?
Face it. You're pathetic. Not that that's a bad thing. Lot's of great people are pathetic. Superman. Christopher Reeves. Emmit Smith. Why are they pathetic? Because they aren't what they used to be. Superman used to be a hero to us all. Sure the ficticous dude probably still saves all of the ficticous maidens in ficticous NYC, but there is no way he'll be flying into little kids hearts any time soon. Christopher Reeves used to play Superman on TV, after Superman was destroyed by TV. Kids looked up to him on TV instead of in comic books. Look at him now, in a wheelchair, not being able to move. I'm not even getting started on Emmit Smith. Don't make me. I will bite you.
Sometimes pathetic things are good things. Like the time when I wrote a poem hoping to win $10,000 off the internet. That was pathetic. Yes it was. Here was the poem:

It's lurking around the corner,
Drawing ever so near,
Even closer though,
When the gun's aimed to me.
I don't exactly understand,
How this came to be,
All I know is that
there's no getting out of it.

Why is it aimed at me?
I'm losing my mind,
And I can't seem to find,
My way back to sanity again.
I can't seem to stop myself,
No more pleading for help,
Begging for mercy,
Or to spare my life,
For I don't care any more.
I really don't see the point,
no matter how long I look,
When my finger's quivering at the trigger.

I wrote something off of the top of my head, titled it something deep, and now I'm a semifinalist. Hooray. Pathetic. That was like the 5th poem I ever wrote. It makes me laugh. You laugh to. Please. I bite. Fear me. That was pathetic.
You know who the most pathetic person in the entire world is? Mrs. Brown, a 7th grade English teacher. She said I couldn't write poems. She said I wasn't cultured. I told her to fuck off and that I could, and here I am a semi-finalist, getting published in some book. Mrs. Brown, a message to you: You are PATHETIC. Your daughter is hot.
Her daughter was my 6th grade homeroom teacher. Damn. No english teacher will ever be as hot as the daughter of the most loathed person in my mind. I'm pathetic. She's 10 years older than me. Laughage. Knee-slapper. PATHETIC! Good day.
Thank you for commenting, smdlf, or whatever your user name is.
y0. Oi. opposite of those to words.

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS BEING MAULED BY THE INTERNET.
THE INTERNET IS STILL MY FREIND.

Posted by ronnehsqueasleh at 7:29 PM CDT

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